As everyone should remember, way back in 2005, there was a lot of controversy about GTA3 San Andreas and the whole Hot Coffee mod thing. Just to remind you, this was a downloadable hack for the PC version of GTA3:SA that allowed players to access a ridiculously tame “having sex” mini game when one of your in-game girlfriends invited you in for coffee. I don’t know if there was ever an official statement from Rockstar, but it was obviously something that they experimented with in the development process and then rightly decided to drop because it was a horrible idea, completely unnecessary, and needlessly offensive. To be clear, the mini game was not accessible in the game in any way, no cheat codes or game glitches would ever allow you to see it. The only way was to go out and download this special patch that modified the game and added it in. Despite this, various advocacy groups (including Jack Thompson and  Hillary Clinton) lost their shit and forced to the ESRB to reclassify the game as Adult Only, which caused Walmart, Target, Best Buy and many others to pull it from their shelves.

This got me thinking: if a game has to be responsible for everything hackers can do to it, why not other pieces of software? Microsoft Office is the obvious example, as it is installed an pretty much everyone’s computer already and is in daily use by millions of people around the world. What if some malicious “hacker” (eg. me) were to make a “mod” that added naked tits to the previously wholesome MS Office assistant? Would Microsoft have to recall the program and make it only purchasable in seedy back alleys? After all, think of the children!

So, for your enjoyment, I present my new MS Office assistant:


Installation instructions:

  1. Download above nude.zip
  2. Unzip file. You should have nude.asc
  3. Move nude.acs into C:/WINDOWS/MSAGENT/CHARS
    or C:/WINNT/MSAGENT/CHARS folder, depending on your operating system.
  4. Launch MS Word (or any other Office program)
  5. Go to Help > Microsoft Word Help (or push F1)
  6. Right click on the Office Assistant that pops up, click on Choose Assistant…
  7. Click the Next button until you see the tits
  8. Click OK
  9. Complain to your local parental advisory committee

NOTE: This is only tested on Office XP for Windows XP, YMMV.

If you can’t get it to work, I have included a screen shot after the jump (NSFW, obviously)


Comments (5)

  1. MasterGunner wrote::

    Sweet. I’m so putting this on all my school’s computers.

    Monday, February 9, 2009 at 3:59 pm #
  2. King Kool wrote::

    I’m on ME, so I doubt this will work for me. Do the boobs shake back and forth when they answer questions? Like up and down for yes and back and forth for no?

    I still have the Einstein helper on my Word setup. He was the coolest one they ever had… until now.

    Monday, February 9, 2009 at 5:17 pm #
  3. Frank wrote::

    Unfortunately this is completely useless. The uproar was because all of the assets where already there to be found by hackers. This would be the equivalent of you cut put those boobs in office just by unblocking them, rather than adding the entire image.

    Friday, March 20, 2009 at 12:51 am #
  4. Paul wrote::

    @Frank: I don’t really see the distinction. If there is absolutely no way to access the content, can it be considered to be part of a game? Should the ESRB rate games based on invisible content? No one in the entire world ever saw the hot coffee content without explicitly going on to the Internet, searching for the patch, downloading it to their computer and installing it.

    Sunday, March 22, 2009 at 3:05 pm #
  5. Kim wrote::

    For the record, I just think that the fact that you went through the effort of doing this is awesomeness incarnate in a zip file. I miss my PC horribly now… Kudos, Meester Paul, mad kudos!

    Thursday, April 16, 2009 at 8:44 pm #